Please remember that these are only guidelines. Any concerns should be discussed with your pediatrician.

1. LISTEN TO YOUR CHILD!!

When your child gives you the perfect teachable moment by asking a question like “Where do babies come from?” do not let go of this opportunity!! If you ignore the question or casually change the subject, you are giving a powerful message to your child that this is not something to talk about.  And we NEED our children to talk about sex.  Answer the question!!  Just remember to keep the child’s age and developmental stage in mind.  A three year old needs a brief but honest explanation, “babies live and grow in mommies’ tummies and when they are ready to come out they usually come out through a mommy’s vagina”.  If you have had a cesarean section you may want to add “doctors can also take babies out of mommies’ tummies through an operation”.  Usually by this age, the child has the basic body parts down and can grasp this idea.  Certainly some children are more curious than others and I find that drawing pictures can often help with making things clearer without giving so much information that the child becomes confused.  Again, make the explanation simple, matter of fact and appropriate for your child’s developmental stage.

2.  NAMING THE PARTS

The list of names that people use for sexual body parts goes on and on (have you seen “The Vagina Monologues”?).  However, it is best to call body parts by their anatomic name:  vagina, penis, breasts, testicles, vulva, etc.  Funny little names may imply that there is something shameful or secretive about body parts that perhaps shouldn’t be talked about.  If you feel particularly attached to a family anatomical reference, just be sure that your child knows and is comfortable with the anatomic name.

3.  THE NAKED TRUTH

Most of us are comfortable naked around our babies but begin to question if it is appropriate when our children reach about three years of age.  There is no right or wrong answer and different families have different comfort levels around nudity.  However, do remember that a child needs to learn to respect others’ privacy.  Your standards for privacy should be expressed in a matter of fact, simple way so that nudity and privacy are not seen as something secretive or wrong.

4.  MENSTRUATION

Girls and boys should have some basic information about menstruation by the time they are eight years old.  The first explanation should be basic.  For example, “women’s bodies hold a baby in their uterus while the baby grows but if there is no baby, a little bit of the uterus bleeds and some blood comes out through a woman’s vagina”.  Again, drawing a picture can help your child understand how everything is connected.  Some books can be helpful but a naturally growing dialogue is more beneficial when your child is first sorting through the information.  If you choose to use a book just be sure that it is not replacing the discussions between you and your child and be sure that the book is developmentally appropriate (see below for suggested books for different ages).  As your child grows and asks more questions, you can expand upon your explanation.  A particularly helpful book for girls once they reach the age of eight or nine is The Care & Keeping of You: The Body Book for Girls (American Girl Library) by Valorie Schaefer and Norm Bendell.  Unfortunately, I think boys generally ask for less information and are sometimes neglected because they are seen as less vulnerable.  They need to learn about their own bodies and their own sexuality and it is just as important to keep these lines of communication open for our boys.  A helpful book for the preteen boy is American Medical Association Boy’s Guide to Becoming a Teen.

5.  THE BIRDS AND THE BEES 

I think the most difficult talk for parents is the lovemaking talk.  If you have been talking to your child all along about sexuality, this is likely to be a detail that you eventually add.  The talk evolves from the very basics to full disclosure as the child matures.  Some parents are afraid to discuss any aspect of sexuality with their child because they are afraid that their child will want all of the information before they are ready.  Most children are satisfied with a direct, matter of fact answer to their question.  The details of their questioning increase as their ability to understand emerges.  When you do feel that it is time to discuss sexual intercourse with your child, don’t panic.  Use straightforward and direct language.  If you are having a hard time finding the right words, there are a few books which are direct and helpful and I listed them below.  Please remember to read the book with your child.  Think of the book as a facilitator, not a replacement for the discussion.

For children under 10 year old, a good introduction to sexuality is What’s the Big Secret?:  Talking about Sex with Girls and Boys by Laurie Krasny Brown and Marc Brown.  The book uses cartoons and humor to deliver a very thorough description of human sexuality appropriate for pre-teens and younger.

For the slightly older child (above age 9) I recommend It’s So Amazing!:  A Book about Eggs, Sperm, Birth, Babies, and Families by Robie H. Harris and Michael Emberley.  It is loaded with information.  The publishers endorse the book for children 7 years and up but I think 9 or 10 is a more appropriate age level unless you have a particularly curious or precocious child. 

Always remember if you are in doubt, check with your pediatrician, no question is a silly one and we are here for you to best care for your children!

About Amy Anzilotti, M.D.