Some of the kids in my house don’t believe in Santa; one does. I keep telling them that it’s a mystery, for sure, but that moms know the truth - there absolutely is a Santa Claus. However, I haven’t told them the full story: that the real S.C. couldn’t be more different than a bearded man flying in a sleigh. Here’s how to spot the key differences between the mythical SC and the real one:
TRANSPORTATION: Santa reportedly rides a sleigh around the world, pulled by a team of weightless reindeer that fly through the sky as he delivers gifts. The real Santa drives a minivan or other sensible vehicle, and flies through yellow lights (but always stops for school busses) as she delivers gifts as well - teacher gifts, bus driver gifts, gifts to the out of town relatives delivered to the post office.
COOKIES & MILK: Cookies and milk left out for Santa is a lovely gesture. The real Santa prefers sauvignon blanc in the evenings, and very hot coffee in the morning.
HO HO HO: Sure. Ho ho ho. The real Santa can be heard shouting “NO NO NO” as she realizes she forgot a gift for her impossible to shop for nephew, as she sees her toddler ambling for the festively decorated tree, and as she hits that sign up genius and realizes that the only thing left is “winter craft."
BAG: The mythical Santa carries a bag of gifts over his shoulder. The real one carries her bags in the most obvious place: under her eyes.
MAGIC: Hell YES there is magic. Teachers showing up to work? The pediatrician getting you in to have your kid’s chest listened to because you are pretty sure you heard a rattle? Having the class party sign up genius show up in your inbox at the exact moment you are there, virtually guaranteeing that you can be the one who signs up for the coveted “holiday plates and napkins” spot? No line at the gas pump when you are already running late for the holiday sing-along and then finding a parking spot at the school? You’ve found the perfect gift for the kid who has everything, the best holiday look on a great sale, and you haven’t run out of wrapping paper. You can still locate the tape. You forgot to buy a key ingredient for the appetizer you made for your sister’s party but magically had some on hand in the fridge already. And you managed to do allllll of this on top of the regular job of signing homework folders, making dinner, finding the shin guards, and doing your job job all day long. Magic magic magic. So much magic.
Looking for the real Santa? Find her in your mirror.